Hope.....disappointments and ......life!!!

My stomach is hollow, not its just non existent and my intestines have decided to make a pilgrimage around the length and breadth of my stomach...my tear glands have suddenly gone numb coz they dont wanna give solace to me through their generous supply...coz if they did...it would all just wash my heart clean...no no, they wouldnt allow it....and that philisophical carpet which hides the true human tendencies like dejection and despair is hard at work covering all my true feelings.
I hate it....hate the feeling of having lost it, having relinquished power .....sorry, having no power - coz u should have some power to reinquish it....having ever felt happy and having built expectation on something which I should have known would never ever ever ever come to pass...and this flushing disappointment is all the more unbearbale coz, deep in my heart, I always have felt that this beautiful thing would happen....and now for a fact, I KNOW....that it didnt. now howz that for some sunshine in a miserable life......???
Hehehe...I feel like laughing at my own words....i have never ever been dejected for more than 5 - 10 minutes....they just breeze past my life....but then there are some nagging undercuurents which u cant ignore how much ever you want to....I cant get rid of them how much ever I try ....coz I know...that this is the ideal state...and like the most natural thing in the world....like evevry other human being.....i still hope and feel that it will happen....hehehe yes right....it looks like a viscious circle indeed.....
Funny how the most lonely moments in my life have always been when I have been totally surrounded with people.....funny how my simple wish to belong....has been soooooo tough to fulfill....funny how when I so totally wanna cry......all I feel is a numb ache in my.....is it heart....looks like its all over my body.....and yes...I totally hate the priciple on which this world was formed.....well if god really wanted a play ground....he should have gotten some videogames....its sheer saddistic to create beings who can get depressed, angry, jealous, wild, hopeless etc... all at once....I mean....what does he think he is playing at?
I wish I could hate him with all my heart....problem is I cant....not because of a philosophical realization that he does everythin for my good.....its coz.....I just cant.....its like....crushing every last little ray of hope in life !!!u cant even if you wanna...it just permeates you unconsciously and refuses (damn it!!) to let go......why cant he allow me to hate him in peace...
I wish I could hate you ....coz you alone are capabale of setting things right...but u WONT do it...I know....something about having to face life and free will comes into it I guess....crap.....I wish to hell that I had a magic wand and could create myself a new world....and what would I create in it??? New people....HAPPY people....lovely people, loving people.....ooooooooh!!! now that sounds like heaven.....with waterfalls and wooden floors nd orchards and sculptures and italian restaraunts and free shopping malls and louis vitton gifts and ......what not...hey stop it....no its not you....its just this stupid voice inside my head....it wants to write something too....hell its just the usual boring conscience speaking I guess....its telling me....."do u really think god didn't create all this and more for you??? is it his fault that you dont even stop to look at the lovely sunset that he spent hours drawing up for you???is it his fault that u choose to seek love instead of give love all the time??? Is it his fault that you choose meaningless relationships when you should be bulding the foundation of a strong mansion???Well....I still feel that its mainly his fault....after all.....yeah ...these cute words are fine...but when the real stuff hits you....none of this works....sunset looke like badly made coffee and true love brings only sad memories.....should it really be this bad???
I dont know.....they say that "God has a plan for you and thts all you need to know"...well whatever his plan is.....its got me this far....some good times and some terrible times, some funny and some embarrassing, some loving and some heartless, some beautiful and some mirror cracking....well....I've just gotta trust in the plan I guess....coz thats the beauty of hope and thats the smile that he tries to bring to you.....I just wish he were as talented in leaving it there....maybe he will.....u never know....maybe its not the right time.....
Welll...you know...after all he created sleep, dreams and friends....he cant be all that bad....must be an ok sorta guy....lets see....I guess he covers the delicacies of my life with a plain white cloth so that when he opens the cover....they become all the more lovely, surprising and tasty....
Ok....guess Iam gonna hold on for some more time .....dude with the halo.....do something fast....your time's seriously running out.....and yeah......i may still like ya....so lonnnnnnng!!!!!