The above are quotes from the widely acclaimed TED talk of Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability. Armed with her research of over six years, she claims with feeling that to lead a wholesome life, one needs to led down their armor and embrace all aspects of who they are, which would in turn makes it easier for them to be vulnerable to others. Counter intuitive though it seems, vulnerability is the greatest step towards showing courage and being truthful to oneself and to others. This would enable an individual to experience both the hurt as well as the happiness that comes with being vulnerable.....
I found myself wide eyed and nodding my head along with her as she spoke on. While a lot of what she has to say is indeed inspired and eye opening, there was one aspect that created some cognitive dissonance within me and I proceeded to do some soul searching myself!
To be vulnerable is to let ourself be seen for who we are without any armor. But we are not born armored. In fact, we are pretty much armor less in the beginning. Our armors are something that we put up after years of friction and struggle.
Our armors are put up based on our understanding of what works...... and what the world wants.
For someone to be worthy of being privy to the person behind that armor, that someone should also take the effort of tearing down the armor. Piece by piece. And gently too without breaking the heart within the armor.
In fact, this evolutionary process is what gives strength and tenacity to our relationships. It cannot happen overnight and it certainly cannot happen with premature 'vulnerability'. If we are going to be vulnerable with someone who does not value the fact that we are being vulnerable with them, one person's precious vulnerability is just soulless babble to another. Because without a proper foundation in the relationship, the weight of your vulnerability, will fall into a bowl of feathers. And if I don't value my vulnerability enough to place it into the right bowl, can I blame the other person for handing me a bowl of feathers??
That, dear reader, is my question and confusion. What do you think?
Absolutely... You are right... Of course we need the right bowl... just that sometimes we tend to be too cautious or judgmental of all bowls, say cos of past experience, that might lead to unnecessary armour... but then again - like you said, i guess that is when other party steps in and tears down the armour for you... that is of course, if the other party doesn't have his/her own armour issues...
ReplyDeletelooks vicious, doesnt it? :P
Imagine a little blue skinned girl that wants to find someone like her. But she wears a mask to cover her blue skin and continues to wander this earth in search of other blue-skinned people.
ReplyDeleteNow imagine a little blue skinned boy that wants to find someone like him. But he wears a mask to cover his blue skin and continues to wander this earth in search of other blue-skinned people.
Both of them pass each other everyday, afraid to remove their masks for they will be judged, while becoming increasingly sad or even desperate to find someone like them.
I think we give up (or need to give up) our masks not because we think the other person will 'handle' it (who can really guarantee it?), but because of who we are (thinking, feeling humans). Confidence does not come from never going wrong, but knowing that even if we do get hurt, we will survive and learn from it. And imagine if we did it - removed our masks and did not get hurt, we will get something invaluable in life - love, friendship or a human connection. Modifying what JKR once said famously: 'it is impossible to live without getting hurt, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default'. I know, I know that it is easier said than done, but honestly it is easier done than thought. You cannot win, if you do not play.
In my experience, I have learnt more about people and even about myself when I have opened up to them, and in the process making them comfortable enough to do the same. This has also been documented empirically and applied in life/business everyday (e.g. Johari windows). Ofcourse, a filter of judgement is required before you identify who will or will not understand what you are saying, but do not set the filters such that none pass through it.
Lastly, I will leave you with this thought: I read somewhere that if you overprotect yourself (or your heart), then over time it loses its capability to accept and give love. So the question really is that when you die, would you be happy in knowing that you gave your best in everything and accepted whatever results came from it, or would you find peace in knowing you had a safe life but wonder what 'could have been'?
Hi, that was well put and hi fi for the JKR reference. However picture this. Even if the blue skinned girl and guy met immediately owing to their vulnerable decision, what is to ensure that they trust each other that they are genuinely blue skinned and the other one is not just playing a trick? That trust is not something you can get from vulnerability, but rather from delving beneath the surface and proving oneself to each other. And THAT does not happen overnight, it happens over a period of time and I dont think we can use vulnerability as a short cut to achieve that depth in a relationship.
DeleteIt is not that the girl is afraid to remove her mask. It is that the audience for such an event should prove themselves worthy of witnessing that event if the girl really values her mask removal.
Looking at it from another angle, they say that if God appeared in front of men in his four armed form with a discus and a conch, men would probably put him in a museum and ogle at him. Instead, he chose to put men who are earnest seekers on a lengthy inward journey and provides the end result to the most worthy ones. The seekers who get distracted midway are not worthy of the end destination. However, what he does is give an equal opportunity to all seekers to give it a shot.
If a person really values their vulnerability, how different is that from the end destination mentioned above? Yes, you should give everyone a real shot, but that doesnt mean they all get a load of the good stuff :-)