A breath of fresh air...

Sometimes it might be lying right in front of our faces and we may fail to recognize it. When life throws certain episodes at us, our visual range gets selective and most often, cynical and dismissive. In these cases, humungous evidence from the farthest quadrant to our presumptions can sometimes fall short to widen our horizons.

I was given such a chance when I started life as a collegiate for the second time. A weather worn, street smart (as I would like to think) and world wise professional, looking for a break from the cares of corporate life. And unexpectedly, life threw such goodness and innocence at me that I was almost not prepared for it. We get so used to question and suspect ulterior motives when so much obvious goodness hits us on the face. And that’s exactly what I was tempted to do when this girl came into my life. Because at her age, with her qualities, there is no reason for someone to be as unsure, insecure and shy as she turned out to be. It was a misplaced sense of less than par self worth. For someone like her to be able to trust and believe in someone like me with that much tenacity was a boon. A boon that acted as a slow balm to wounds that were age old and that helped me to trust the good in this world and to be naïve again.

Sometimes I think she is Lucifer personified due to her astuteness in gauging the deepest desires of people. I wish for her sake and for mine that life doesn’t trick her out of her goodness and naivete that providence has allowed her to nurture all these years. They say goodness lies in not only being able to identify it in others but also in trusting that goodness to stand the test of time. I hope we are able to find that space in which we can be there for each other through years of evolution and growth!

God Bless!

The Queen of hearts

You have me clutching at straws,
blinded by confusion, totally at a loss,
In frustration and anger, I hold you responsible
for all the things that could have been,
that I could have had.

You have me lusting at meagerly portions,
of even little somethings  that is peanuts to others.
Holding that righteous envy as my sole purpose,
I allege it to be from your misplaced judgement,
Of what I could and could not have.









You have me plundering my own soul,
from self pity and loss of esteem, I grovel
at empty nothings, plummeting into darkness,
I question you to make sense of it all,
of why I couldn't have, that which I could have had.





In wrath,  distress and oblivion, I'm dazed,
by your power over me, your hold over my soul.
What is this power you hold, why does the grip never loosen?
With effort I relinquish control of my heart,
and it runs back to you for solace, your hand for comfort!

What if not perverse and  twisted is this code,
that you ask me for my trust, and then you crush my heart.
What if not warped and wanton is my heart's response,
As it rushes to submit, as if to say,
"This is gut wrenching, but bliss full.  In limbo...but at home !"

Weight of vulnerability

The above are quotes from the widely acclaimed TED talk of Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability.  Armed with her research of over six years, she claims with feeling that to lead a wholesome life, one needs to led down their armor and embrace all aspects of who they are, which would in turn makes it easier for them to be vulnerable to others. Counter intuitive though it seems, vulnerability is the greatest step towards showing courage and being truthful to oneself and to others. This would enable an individual to experience both the  hurt as well as the happiness that comes with being vulnerable.....

I found myself wide eyed and nodding my head along with her as she spoke on. While a lot of what she has to say is indeed inspired and eye opening, there was one aspect that created some  cognitive dissonance within me and I proceeded to do some soul searching myself!
To be vulnerable is to let ourself be seen for who we are without any armor. But we are not born armored. In fact, we are pretty much armor less in the beginning. Our armors are something that we put up after years of friction and struggle.
 Our armors are put up based on our understanding of what works...... and what the world wants.

For someone to be worthy of being privy to the person behind that armor, that someone should also take the effort of tearing down the armor. Piece by piece. And gently too without breaking the heart within the armor.

In fact, this evolutionary process is what gives strength and tenacity to our relationships. It cannot happen overnight and it certainly cannot happen with premature 'vulnerability'. If we are going to be vulnerable with someone who does not value the fact that we are being vulnerable with them, one person's precious vulnerability is just soulless babble to another. Because without a proper foundation in the relationship, the weight of your vulnerability, will fall into a bowl of feathers. And if I don't value my vulnerability enough to place it into the right bowl, can I blame the other person for handing me a bowl of feathers??

That, dear reader, is my question and confusion. What do you think?

Conviction...

A little something that has eluded me from the moment I started seeking it, is this specific trait of Conviction!
Incidentally, all the people I really admire in my life are people with a strong will power and conviction to carry through their thoughts into actions. As they say, traits that you do not possess awaken a heightened sense of admiration as they seem to require more effort or natural ability than they really do.
Lawrence of Arabia, Steve Jobs, my boss, my brother all seem to have this specific trait exponentially higher than what I posses.

My friend and I were discussing the reasons why sometimes providence seems to favor certain personalities who are dis likable to the point of being repellant at times when it comes to communicating their opinions. These people are individuals who are selfish, opinionated ( if you didn't get that already!) and do not have a second thought before drowning out a resistant voice. However, they are the ones who are capable of pushing through all obstacles and challenging opinions to achieve the final goals that might seem elusive and even impossible to most people.
Where does this strength of will power come from?  Could it be fed from some seeds of thought that I have seen in and around me...such as a merciless disregard for others/selfishness, thirst for knowledge, power and ambition, devotion to a higher power, or, today's fashionable answer to all of life's macro issues - love?

However, I think this is one such trait that cannot be explained away with love. Love alone is not enough to have conviction. it needs something , dare I say, more spiritual. It is a quality that enables one to believe themselves to be grander than what they are. Or what others perceive them to be. The ability to believe that their verse in the world's prose could actually make it (an) epic! The belief that while one's time here is limited, one's potential to carve through slabs of space and time never is! It is that which gives one the strength and authority to challenge the rational and embrace the seemingly irrational! An ability to see the end goal as a living breathing form and working towards it with all that you've got! It is that which drives Kevin spacey as he masterminds his way to the white house. Stephen hawking could not have clobbered on if not aided with a fierce conviction in himself and in the existence of 'the theory of everything'.

Interestingly, every larger than life figure that we remember today, that has stood the test of time, are those who have had truckloads of conviction in their cause or in themselves. Mother Teresa's conviction that the world can be changed through love and kindness, Albert Einstein's conviction that he could find the ultimate hidden truth of the universe and Lance Armstrong;s conviction that he had it in  himself to challenge death and pedal his way to the final lap of the tour-de-france. Almost makes me question today's inclination towards a line of inquiry directed largely towards 'love' rather than 'conviction'. It is almost like the universal thought is cushioning towards a more feel good philosophy rather than an empirical one, and this, even as the world endorses critical thinking as a key aspect of modernism! Question that requires deep thought and a lot of 'conviction' (not love) to bring about a change!