The Queen of hearts

You have me clutching at straws,
blinded by confusion, totally at a loss,
In frustration and anger, I hold you responsible
for all the things that could have been,
that I could have had.

You have me lusting at meagerly portions,
of even little somethings  that is peanuts to others.
Holding that righteous envy as my sole purpose,
I allege it to be from your misplaced judgement,
Of what I could and could not have.









You have me plundering my own soul,
from self pity and loss of esteem, I grovel
at empty nothings, plummeting into darkness,
I question you to make sense of it all,
of why I couldn't have, that which I could have had.





In wrath,  distress and oblivion, I'm dazed,
by your power over me, your hold over my soul.
What is this power you hold, why does the grip never loosen?
With effort I relinquish control of my heart,
and it runs back to you for solace, your hand for comfort!

What if not perverse and  twisted is this code,
that you ask me for my trust, and then you crush my heart.
What if not warped and wanton is my heart's response,
As it rushes to submit, as if to say,
"This is gut wrenching, but bliss full.  In limbo...but at home !"

Is this fair??

Its a void in the heart...a void which can never ever be filled with any other form of love... a void which is put there to stay...which can never be taken away...coz the love which should have caressed out the frowns and tears in a child's face at the tender age of 5 when it met with the disapproval of peers in school and tell him that he dosent have to care about the approval of the world as he has parents to love him... at the age of 13 when the first pimple burst open , to tell him that he is the most handsome child that was ever seen and that he dosent have to worry about the girls - they will surely love him...to tell him that he is a son they are proud to call their own....to have the unique sense of belongingness which only a mother's loving hug can convey...which only a beaming smile to the neighbour on boasting about her son's achievements can confirm....is all lost to a motherless child....

There is this friend of mine who lost his mother when he was about 5....and i got wondering about what he must have gone through....when the usual joys which we are granted at that age are lost to him....the beauty of a mother who gets up early in the morning anxious to fill the tiffan box of her child with the best dish possible at school so her child dosent bring back food and go hungry....of a mother who is anxious on a fancy dress competition day to dress her child up the best and turns her lovely nose on anyone who has the audacity to tell her that her child might not carry it off....a mother who kisses her child good night and spends a minute before going to bed to look and admire the beauty of her son as he sleeps....a mother who is quick to sweep away any misgivings that her son should have of not being able to achieve something dear to him....

Why dear mother....am I not good enough for you to kiss goodnight?
Am I not the one you could love and face the world to fight?
Am I not the one who can make you burst with pride?
Who I can run to in distress, in whom I can confide??
I crave to taste a delicacy you dish out just for me
I yearn to feel the touch of your fingers in my hair
I crave and yearn knowing this could never be....is this fair????

A try to detach myself from my life for a minute and think of all the attention and love I have basked in just because the director above chose to leave my mother alone and take away some one else's....why is it that without any fault of their's they are forced to lose all the beauty of childhood which is made dearer to us because of our mother's love....

Life's darkest moments are those when we face the disapproval of the world to the person that we are....those moments when we face all directions without finding a way out of the mess we can get ourselves into.....but come back home and one look at our mother;s face and we know that we have been worried in vain....that surely we have a bright future....coz without having us well settled as either a queen or a princess....surely our mother wouldn't be satisfied????

When we come home dreading our father's beating/disapproval either for our performance in a test or when we have to confess a romantic relationship....isnt it our mother's support which we bank on even if we know that she might also disapprove?....because heart of hearts dont we know that she thinks that somehow everything will sort out in the grand scheme of things and that only the best of things can happen to her child??.....

I picture a sunday morning when i lazily walk upto the kitchen to order for a coffee and when my mother hands it over to me....to pull her down back on the sofa and grab a newspaper and read the paper with my head on her lap and discuss the headlines and gossip about the goings on in Bollywood....of course punctuated by mom's comments on how everyone is worthless and how she thinks that my father and I are the only rays of bright light in this world!!!:-)

Mothers!!!!! Why ? Why does god have to rob a child of this most beautiful love that he can ever have? This is the nearest translation of god's love that a child can ever have...every other relationship demands something in return but a mother's .....well poets and playwrights have told enough on mother's love that I suspect there is much left to say on this subject.....
My only question is... when god says that since he couldnt be everywhere and thats why sent mothers to earth....why did he decide to rob a few children of this birthright??? Does he not love them as he loves the others???

Rudyard Kipling sure got it right when he said....

If I were hanged on the highest hill,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!
I know whose love would follow me still,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

If I were drowned in the deepest sea,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!
I know whose tears would come down to me,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

f I were damned of body and soul,
I know whose prayers would make me whole,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

I do not know whether I should thank god for having given a mother to those who he has or to shed a tear and curse him for those who he deprived of this pure love.... But can I trust in your benevolence to believe that you will somehow make it upto them in your boundless love and kindness by showering them with pure love in one form or the other sooner or later in their life???

There is love....and then there is a divine romance!

Its a love story that was told from the beginning of time! Its a love story that has captured the fancy of many a heroic Romeo! Its a love story that came to us before we knew the meaning of love! A love story that showed us love isn't given to us to stay- love isn't love at all untill its given away!

And who better to live this love story than the embodiment of love himself! A guy every girl fancies in her heart of hearts! a guy that tipped the first stirrings of love and passion in many a damsel's mind! The guy who told his mother so fearlessly and still lovingly - "Mother, is it wrong to love a girl, who from the minute she met me, has breathed only because she wanted to live to see me, has sang only because her heart strung melodies of her love for me, has cried only because of her fear of losing me and has lived only so she could have a chance to live her life with me; Mother - do you think it would be my Dharma to forsake an innocent milkmaid just because she has given me her all?!!"

The eloquence of his love brought tears in the eyes of his mother not because she thought she was going to lose her son, but because she knew that the time had come for her expand her heart and accept that her son, her beloved Kanha, had grown up! and grown up just the way she wished to see him one day when she has held his tender fingers all those years ago in his crib! She had done well by him! and Boy! was she proud!

There are times when one meets or hears of something so beautiful that it leaves a lingering but pleasurable heart ache, the kind that flutters faster than the wings of a bird, the eyelashes of a coquettish damsel! Every time I have heard or read about Radha and Krishna, I have this same lingering heartache with the childhood fancy that I too will have my Kanha some day!

How tender and unconditional must have been his love for Radha when he told her that as a standing example of their love through time, his name would always be preceded by hers - "Radha Krishna! and NEVER Krishna Radha!"because to him, it was always only about her before everything else! She was his joy! his inspiration and the only bride that he could not win for himself - not because she did not love him, but because she loved him more than he loved himself! Because she could not bear the thought of a day when she should no longer be his joy and innocent hope when he battled with the vices and responsibilities of his new found royal life! She combined the innocence of a village milkmaid with the independence of an urban upbringing when she faced him, her fierce love shining in her eyes and said ," Kanha, I cannot love you more than I do now , because I have given you my all! I have nothing left to give but my love for you which I treasure beyond life itself! Kanha, by asking me to come with you to Mathura, you ask me to sacrifice the love I have built as an altar for you, as I know you now! In Mathura, amidst all the royal manipulations and
strategems, I would no longer be your inspiration for pure innocence and purity that Iam now - I would be a misfit there!"
"Kanha, you have a role to fullfill, and I will not stand in your path! Likewise do not rip my love for you and force me to morph into royalty,I will not be who I want to be for you if you tear me away from myself!

Kanha, reached his height of an exemplary lover when he looked with great respect and love at Radha and said " Your love for me Radha, cannot be matched! If this be your decision, I also have an offering to make at your altar of love" and he handed his flute to her , never to lift it again even as the thousand melodies the venugopala had blown into them breezed their memories! Such is his love, that if he ceases to be the person we love, he ceases to be that person itself!

As Francesca puts it so well " Give me a man who is man enough to give himself only to the woman who is worth him! And I will love him , forever!" There is indeed no great wonder in Radha giving her all to Kanha - for he gave himself to her in a way indescribably beautiful - he let her be the person that she wanted to be! And gave her the freedom to love him the way she wanted him to be! Even though it meant their physical separation, he NEVER looked back! For what greater sacrifice could be than the sacrifice of true love itself for your beloved?! For Kanha, it wasnt a sacrifice! It was only tipping the scales to move into a higher platform of love that you and I may never be able to comprehend, unless we feel in totality the wonderful love that was theirs!

There is an old Hindi song which goes...."Ek radha Ek Meera; Dono ne Shyam ko Chaha; Anthar kya dono ke preeth me bolo - ek jeeth na maana ek Haar na Maana"
( There was Radha and then there was Meera, both of them loved Shyama, what is the difference in their love? One did not accept Success and one did not accept defeat!)

When I first read these lines, I was puzzled! What did these lines mean? And then a dear friend told me - maybe its like this - With Meera - she had to undergo a thousand tests and obstacles to prove her love for Krishna and all through her life, whatever her troubles, she NEVER accepted defeat! And through never accepting defeat, won over her Giridhara nagar!
However Radha, all through her life, battled for the victory of her Kanha and never accepted any advantageous offering of marriage from Kanha - only so he could win and succeed in his mission! And By NEVER accepting the success of power of her love over him , she won over her Kanha!

Ye Bhool Kaise karoon mein - mein bhool jaaon tujhko! Mein kho bhi jaaon kahin tho...tum dooond lena mujhko - tera mera - mera tera rishta bana....sabse juda!

Love you Kanha!

Publish Post

wel.....and after all the waiting...here it is!!!!the D day

Happy birthday to you!Happy birthday to you!Happy birthday dearest darling, happy birthday to you..........!!!!!
So....How was your day??? I was just thinking...When i came to meet you in the temple....that if its my birthday - I and my family and friends would celebrate, i would get gifts from near and dear ones and go to bed with a smile...and there ends the story. But today, on your birthday, the whole world gets ready, the gandharvas play celestial music to wake you, radha(and all of your 60,000 girlfriends for that matter) welcome you to face the morning with their beautiful smiles.....and below.....on earth....everyone wakes up with a festive spirit, heart as fresh as your beloved butter, and make all possible delicacies to adorn your table....and in the temples, the priests are shaking their "kondais" (a pony that hindu priests usually wear at the top of their head, while the rest of the head is bald) and reciting your names away to glory, the heavenly music of nadaswarams and thavils fill the air and my!my!my!....phew.....must say that being god has its privileges.....
And must say that being every girl's dream boy has added to your cholestrol content huh??
Ok ok ....i know its your birthday - so I will not scold you as much as I would love to...
And that just reminds me of these lovely verses - "kaun kehte hain bhagwan aate nahin - tum meera ki jaise bulate nahin (Who says that the lord will not come at your call, its just that you dont call him like how Meera did)!!!Just dreaming of how divinely handsome you would be looking in your new dress today makes me catch my breath!:-).....dearest Darling - hope you enjoy your day today infinitely - and just in case you want me to do anything to make your day better - you know where to catch me right? - and just so you know I would be sleeping at 11:oopm today:-)
happy Birthday again dearest of Krishnas - i love you 100 times, nay 1000000000 times as much as I love Anne or Darcy and now that saying something!:-)
Just want to end with my fav bhajan which you gave me as a gift on my birthday -
Ghana Ghana neela vadana athi sundara
Megha shyamala madhava murahara
mandasmitha mukha radha manohara
Govinda gopala natawara giridhara........