Friday, August 15, 2014

The comic relief in my "Groom Search" adventures! - Part I

"A single woman in possession of a sane mind, MUST be in want of a husband....and that too immediately!
Age, sanity, outlook on life and food - Be Damned No bar!"
 ....Jane Austen may turn over in her grave if she comes upon this molestation of her opening satire but (Sorry Ms Austen, I do love you), but I think this is the doctrine based on which the Indian Arranged Marriage market operates.

Hey, I'am not complaining. While some find the entire nerve cracking exercise of groom hunting in an arranged marriage hoopla extremely frustrating and tiresome, especially if it lasts for 6 years and running as in my case, I think the process has its perks. And the perks are only to those who dare to enjoy it! Let me tell you why...
First, here's the overall process of groom hunting in an arranged marriage for those who are not introduced to the concept.
- Girl at home reaches 21 years of age OR Girl at home develops b&&bs - whichever is earlier.
- Ask around friends and family for eligible groom suggestions...
- A decent profile pic of the girl to upload on one of the many matrimonial sites that do booming business in India .( Honestly, I'am considering joining one of them as an employee, they must make a S%^t load of money because - Forget the British empire - Its on the Indian Marriage Market that the Sun NEVER sets, ! And India goes one above -  It is probably the only country in the world which sells Matrimony as a "service". I mean, I knew we were a Services oriented economy, but THIS really is the icing on the cake! Now, does that take romance to an all time high, or what!)


- Next Step - Input groom Hunt co-ordinates in the matrimonial website....and......ENGAGE! (That's for those who have seen Star trek, if you haven't,  read 'ENGAGE' as the 'GO' in "Ready, Set and GO".

Now here's where the fun starts! The online profiles of the guys are like a conservative, Non PG-13 version of the profiles you will find in any online dating websites. There are all kinds of profiles ranging from wierd, to essay type, to "ehhh what!!?" kinds.   Here are some examples -

I am god fearing, interested in movies and hail from an upper middle class family
Well, God fearing and movies totally go together!! And then he says he has money for god and movies, which must seal the deal!!

HI I AM DOING BUSINESS LOGO DESIGNER 
I AM LOOKING GOOD AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY 
I LIKE TO LISTEN MUSICS AND LIKE TO PHOTO SHOOT
Looking good indeed!!!I really have no comments on this one!!!!

Looking for a life partner to spend rest of our lives together
Well, thanks for explaining what "life Partner" really means! The heading says "Personal Profile" Dude!!! Not "Dictionary for the Retarded"! Phew!

Well there are hundreds like these, and I have rolled with laughter at some of them. Some of them have made me wanna punch the guy and some made me wanna throw up! But all of them are guaranteed to entertain!

Anyway, the next step is for the guy's family to send their "Interest" to your profile. if the girl's family also returns the "Interest", horoscopes are exchanged! The all pervading Indian Horoscope Gurus make truckloads of money by pronouncing at their whim whether the boy and girl will make a good match or not! And my family's astrologer is on a crusade to make my groom hunt an impossibility. He promptly rejects 99 out of 100 horoscopes that we send him. And he has a mean streak about him too - any good looking guy he will be SURE to reject!!! And the one guy he will select will either be insane, or a weirdo!! 



One of the guys whose horoscope miraculously matched with mine (Hmm, I should have known something was wrong right then!) sent me a message that we could have a chance to know each other in a Skype call the next day as we were both in different countries!  When I logged in the next day, the screen opened to reveal him, sitting with his mom and dad in what looked like his living room! As if that were not enough, his mother immediately began drilling me with questions about my  goals in life (If I had figured that out, why would I be talking to her???) !!  When the guy tried to bravely put forth a point, his mother looked on with immense pride at her son's ability to get real words out of his mouth!! I had a flash of our own beloved Sonia and Rahul  - the resemblance was striking!! and at that  moment, I knew I wanted no part in this family!!

TO BE CONTINUED....