The comic relief in my "Groom Search" adventures! - Part I

"A single woman in possession of a sane mind, MUST be in want of a husband....and that too immediately!
Age, sanity, outlook on life and food - Be Damned No bar!"
 ....Jane Austen may turn over in her grave if she comes upon this molestation of her opening satire but (Sorry Ms Austen, I do love you), but I think this is the doctrine based on which the Indian Arranged Marriage market operates.

Hey, I'am not complaining. While some find the entire nerve cracking exercise of groom hunting in an arranged marriage hoopla extremely frustrating and tiresome, especially if it lasts for 6 years and running as in my case, I think the process has its perks. And the perks are only to those who dare to enjoy it! Let me tell you why...
First, here's the overall process of groom hunting in an arranged marriage for those who are not introduced to the concept.
- Girl at home reaches 21 years of age OR Girl at home develops b&&bs - whichever is earlier.
- Ask around friends and family for eligible groom suggestions...
- A decent profile pic of the girl to upload on one of the many matrimonial sites that do booming business in India .( Honestly, I'am considering joining one of them as an employee, they must make a S%^t load of money because - Forget the British empire - Its on the Indian Marriage Market that the Sun NEVER sets, ! And India goes one above -  It is probably the only country in the world which sells Matrimony as a "service". I mean, I knew we were a Services oriented economy, but THIS really is the icing on the cake! Now, does that take romance to an all time high, or what!)

- Next Step - Input groom Hunt co-ordinates in the matrimonial website....and......ENGAGE! (That's for those who have seen Star trek, if you haven't,  read 'ENGAGE' as the 'GO' in "Ready, Set and GO".

Now here's where the fun starts! The online profiles of the guys are like a conservative, Non PG-13 version of the profiles you will find in any online dating websites. There are all kinds of profiles ranging from wierd, to essay type, to "ehhh what!!?" kinds.   Here are some examples -

I am god fearing, interested in movies and hail from an upper middle class family

Well, God fearing and movies totally go together!! And then he says he has money for god and movies, which must seal the deal!!

HI I AM DOING BUSINESS LOGO DESIGNER 
I AM LOOKING GOOD AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY 
I LIKE TO LISTEN MUSICS AND LIKE TO PHOTO SHOOT

Looking good indeed!!!I really have no comments on this one!!!!

Looking for a life partner to spend rest of our lives together

Well, thanks for explaining what "life Partner" really means! The heading says "Personal Profile" Dude!!! Not "Dictionary for the Retarded"! Phew!

Well there are hundreds like these, and I have rolled with laughter at some of them. Some of them have made me wanna punch the guy and some made me wanna throw up! But all of them are guaranteed to entertain!

Anyway, the next step is for the guy's family to send their "Interest" to your profile. if the girl's family also returns the "Interest", horoscopes are exchanged! The all pervading Indian Horoscope Gurus make truckloads of money by pronouncing at their whim whether the boy and girl will make a good match or not! And my family's astrologer is on a crusade to make my groom hunt an impossibility. He promptly rejects 99 out of 100 horoscopes that we send him. And he has a mean streak about him too - any good looking guy he will be SURE to reject!!! And the one guy he will select will either be insane, or a weirdo!! 

One of the guys whose horoscope miraculously matched with mine (Hmm, I should have known something was wrong right then!) sent me a message that we could have a chance to know each other in a Skype call the next day as we were both in different countries!  When I logged in the next day, the screen opened to reveal him, sitting with his mom and dad in what looked like his living room! As if that were not enough, his mother immediately began drilling me with questions about my  goals in life (If I had figured that out, why would I be talking to her???) !!  When the guy tried to bravely put forth a point, his mother looked on with immense pride at her son's ability to get real words out of his mouth!! I had a flash of our own beloved Sonia and Rahul  - the resemblance was striking!! and at that  moment, I knew I wanted no part in this family!!

TO BE CONTINUED....

What's with China's clock?!!

Iam a princess and Iam floating on a magic carpet to receive my Nobel prize for peace…No No No… you are mistaken…. Iam not Princess Diana, or Mother Teresa for that matter - this scene is just an out of the world dream in the wee morning hours of Monday, as the human body labors under the misconception that the weekend lethargy and laziness can seep stealthily onto Monday as well.

Aaaaaaaaaah!! Wish dreams came true!!!!

And then piercing the silence comes a well loved desi tone – My name is Sheila, Sheila Ki Jawani….

&%$$*!!!That’s my alarm!!! I can’t BELIEVE it’s already gone off! I chose this particular song because whenever this song is in the background, my legs start dancing all of their own accord! And I masterfully conceived that I would be able to break my slumber if I was caught with a desire to do a two step or a salsa (not that Iam adept at neither)….. But well - So much for my masterful conceptions! At this rate - Like Leslie Winkle says on the TBBT – I might just be nominated in the year’s Nobel laurete category for Dumb assery ...Ummm...lesser intelligence! (TBBT – a well loved sitcom called “The Big Bang Theory” – one of my favorites, next in line to F.R.I.E.N.D.S of course!)



They never are effective my dear!!

Anyways, I finally pinched and poked myself awake and rushed to get ready because, in China, - work starts - at 9:00am. And when you read the previous sentence, I want you to imagine something unchangeable like destiny, or the earth revolving , or the fact that my neighbour’s son can NEVER pass his medical exam (Trust me, rumor has it that it’s his 6th attempt)…because when they say its 9:00am - 9:00am it is! If you have the balls guts, try entering at 9:01 am and brave the “How lazy are YOU?” stares that your disdainful colleagues will inevitably give you! Well, some days, I really don’t care – and I stare back at them with my “Ha! Iam lazy and proud of it!” look, but then mostly, I cower under their glare and run to the sanctuary of my seat, where I immediately open my laptop and start tapping away at my keyboard furiously to deflect attention from my BEETRED face! I seriously should think of taking a video of their stares and adding that to my alarm settings…maybe that would jerk me awake!

Oh yeah- Something like this but REDDERRRR!



And it’s not just the entry time, it applies for everything. I am a part of the lunch gang and we go out every day at 12:00noon for lunch, irrespective of whether the laptop’s on fire, or whether a member of our gang is delivering a baby (and that actually happened! – we went to visit the mom but wouldn’t stay beyond 11:45 am!!!). I think, if you look at the larger picture, it kinda makes scientific sense - it permeates one’s cerebral tissues and leads to a comfortable consciousness that one’s life is a continuum where the clock ticks away uniformly through eventual decline and decay, so the intelligent Chinese made an ally of time instead of taking it for granted and I don’t grudge them this achievement!

The only disadvantage that I see in this whole scheme of things is that on weekends, Iam rather bewildered because my body clock (to which I have been listening to sincerely through the week) goes CRAZY! When I jerk myself awake at around 12:00 noon on Saturday, it’s not because of the alarm but because of the volcano erupting within my stomach – trust me , it growls so! I then quickly think of a place to eat and rush out of my apartment, desperate to be within view of some edible food (which explains why I cant cook because then it wouldnt be edible), and hail a taxi! And HERE comes the REAL test of patience….to tell the guy where you wanna go! Below is a faithfull narrative of what happened on one of my “Lunch escapades”

Me - (running across the road to be on the right side to hail the taxi and hence out of breath)(Puffing and panting and frantically waving my hands), “Taxxxxxiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”!!!!

Taxi Driver (Bewildered) : “Chou shang chin mou than ching choo!!!”

Me - (Equally bewildered) “Chinese Puhwai ( I don’t know Chinese) . I have to go to ‘Daning street’ ” (Said in Clear and crisp tones)

Taxi Driver - (Completely befuddled)“ Daning? Shama – daning chiga moui chou shang shun ma thee oolu:” (Indicating he dosent have a clue what Iam saying)
Me – (accompanied with the background music of my grumbling stomach) “ D A N I N G, D-A-N-I-N-G, DANING street” (said 1st- clearly and slowly, 2nd -clearly and fast, and 3rd - clearly in medium speed with nasal effect respectively)

Taxi Driver - (Looking warily towards the direction of my stomach from where all the growling is originating from) “ DANING? Shama? " (starts shaking his head indicating he dosent know what Iam talking about)

Me - (in total desperation as my stomach threatens to erupt with all the pent up fury) " DANING DANING DANING street ma - !!!! Don’t you Understand??"

Taxi Driver - (face sparkles like he has discovered the 119th element ) “Oooooooooh DANING ma? Ok Ok” (indicates that I could board the taxi)

Me - (with a murderous look..Aaaaaah - if only looks could kill!) “ Yeah! And what the %^& did you think I was trying to tell you all this time? “

Taxi Driver : (Jovially slapping his hands and laughing, like at some rib tickler) “ DANING ma – chiga chous mang sthing so luu” !!!!!!! (and shakes my hands)!!!!

Well… what can I say – except that they do NOT accept a word into their comprehension unless they have the satisfaction of decoding it from whatever latin/greek they think you are speaking! And Trust me - what I said was in NO WAY different to what he said! Not in accent, not in nasal effects and not in rate of speech!!! You can imagine the fervor and speed with which I inhaled the food (Spicy noodles with stewed vegetables Thai style) when I eventually reached the hotel after this adventure! 
Stay Tuned - More adventures coming right up:-)...

The Bluessss!! - Part 2

Well well well!!! Who would have expected my boss to actually read this post of mine - http://thesilhouetteoflove.blogspot.com/2011/09/monday-mornings.html and ACTUALLY mail me her reply!!!

Well - I think just laughed out LOUD at her way of looking at it and HAD to share it - I couldnt rob you guys off the pleasure of a well deserved laugh! So here goes - 

As sent to my official mail ID sent from my BOSS - 

"Further to the blog below (in true corporate mail etiquette), appended are a few thoughts from the so called “boss bomb”….

Funny really…me a boss and funnier still…me a bomb?!!! How exciting it would have been to just be the latter with an added suffix of “shell” added…but again I too am digressing.

Firstly in my 5 years of hard core corporate experience I’ve never understood why some people just have  to work over the weekend and get your mail box flooded even before you start feeling the blues of the Monday. Get a life dude…if you don’t have one please sleep off your weekend…why screw things  for those who do have a life and have fun things to do? 10.00am and still only 25% through my mailbox and  I make a deal…Next week, it would be my turn to make other people’s life miserable over the weekend! But then every Monday the weekend’s history repeats itself…adding a deeper tinge of blue to the blue.

And boss…its tough being a boss…u have to boss others and there is someone to boss you…so you are like the mashed alu-pyaaz in between a grilled sandwich…u feel the heat either ways….either your boss gets heated or the ones you boss get heated (pardon my language). And on Monday mornings…invariably both do. And in some cases…there will be that odd employee or business lead who will take pleasure in digging out you poor alu-pyaz and gulping you directly…while leaving aside the boss and the team just ‘coz he loves alu-pyaz better than the sandwich bread…(pardon my language again)

Sigh…wish one could sleep just a little more, and spend just an hour more with the newspaper and yes some bit more chatting over breakfast….and then just let the day go at its own pace. I wonder, how does a Vijay Mallya spend start his Monday or a Bill Gates or for that matter Padma, my cleaning lady….

But what is light without darkness and sadness without happiness….and what so what pleasure would a Sunday have without a Monday !! To all the Mondays that have gone and will come again…there is light at the end of the week!"

The Bluesss!!! Part 1

There's a weird weight in my heart and it interferes with the movie that Iam watching!  I feel a gnawing pain in my stomach and my nerves shoot up like a premonition of an approaching disaster...I quickly try to put my hand on the problem at hand.....Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! There I have it!It's a Sunday Night!! )(*)((**&^^%%^!!!

Its most often on sunday nights that my philosophical side kicks in....and I wonder about what a material existence mine is....I wake up everyday and rush to office....check my calendar for the impending disasters of the day and arrange my mood and temper levels accordingly....I work my positioning in office depending upon my boss's seating arrangement....My distance from her is usually inversely proportional to the number of "actionables" that she would need status from me on that particular day for...Actually...its not my boss's fault...she is a very nice woman...she just cant help being a boss - and we all know what all Boss's are! My cousin's husband is a team lead and when I told him this, he said with a confident smile brimming in his complacent face, that HIS team dosent feel that way and that they all love him as a boss....well....I pity him...I can practically visualize the swear words that flip across their minds as they bitch about him during every possible boss-free break! Poor him - blissfully unaware of the universality of Boss hatred, continues to labor in his misconceptions and I, out of kindness for his feelings, spare him the trouble of going into details!

Anyways - Iam digressing...I was saying that I walk into office and after my seating is arranged startegically, I sink into the volumes of weight that my inbox heroically bore for me over the weekend! You know,the worst part is that  - I do love my job, I love the variety and the scope and the opportunities in my role and the unpredictability of the day when I leave for office every morning. But on Monday mornings- I HATE MY JOB! I wonder about the surfaceality and meaninglessness of the work that I do on Monday mornings....I remember the many lives which are suffering outside who are waiting for my benevolence and kindness on Monday mornings....I remember the offer I got to work from a primary school near my house(9:00am to 2:00pm) and think about taking a course on journalism on Monday mornings to pursue my high school dream...And it takes all my strength of character to kick myself on my butt and tell myself that Iam NOT being philosophical - iam just being royally LAZY!....Trust me....I could well be dreaming about a  range of jobs where I could be from a designer role in Ralph Lauren (where I would most certainly be kicked out for my abysmal sense of fashion!) to a food and exotic place anchor in some majorly popular TV show (Where I would most certainly be a failure as my tolerance with different cuisines are on the lines of what Hitler thought about democracy.... Aand Iam a vegetarian! )

Or till Friday evening comes - whichever way you want it!

Yeah!- all this lasts only for the first 3 hours of work on Monday mornings...once Iam into the rigor of the day, I hardly give a thought to these notions. But to make this an honest account - they do recur  occasionally when I screw something up royally and wait for the boss bomb to blast (yeah! and those who know me well will know that that's not rare!)

This is to all the Monday Mornings that have terrified me and  all the Monday mornings looming large in the horizon.....well - Here I come - Iam ready for you guys! They say time and tide waits for no man - well Catch me if you can!!!

In the land of the Dragon!

From the beginning of my interest in economics, I have heard about how China as a country has made it into world economics with as unconventional menthods as is known to the world and stands to day with a population of 1.4 billion and a GDP of about 8 trillion.

The culture and heritage of this 2000 years (and more) old civilization has sure fascinated the world and brought lakhs of tourists to view the forbidden city and divulge the stories behind the great wall that they have only heard of in folklore!

My initial impressions of China were one of wonder and mystery - I was introduced to a deeper understanding of this country through the books - "a letter from Peking; Imperial woman and pavilion of women all written by Pearl S Buck - great books which reflected the rich culture of the country even as communism wrecked through the consciousness of every chinese citizen. The factor which keeps me still with awe is the patriotism of every chinese - their firm belief that country comes before everything - family, love or God! What is even more impressive is the fact that it comes very effortlessly to them - they do not have to be reminded of their freedom struggles, their great culture and heritage or their great achievements in world history, for their patriotism to surge - its as natural to them as their breath itself and reflects in every activity of theirs - with an increased quotient of environmental consciousness and social welfare.

The only glitch that every chinese indiviual regret to quite an extent is their illiteracy in English - and they do respect and stand in awe of those who can speak the language. Their respect and deference for those from the west is easily explained by this factor alone.

Another interesting fact is that the Chinese (However grudgingly) do feel the need for freedom at times and admire India for this very reason - the complete freedom enjoyed by every Indian is terms of expression and everyday living is alien to them who wouldnt even dream of doing an ctivity which might be outside the rule book.

Which is probably the reason why the Chinese may not be great at innovation and discovery but are indeed the benchmarks in producing a product already introduced to them in greater scale and lower cost - an expertise which has come on handy in their endeavour to rule the world markets!

When I landed in Beijing on 8th July, I was indeed expectingto be faced with a great culture and good food. What I was not expecting was to be hit my high rise buildings matched or surpassing those from the famed land of skyscrapers (NY) or any other place I have heard of - The matchless infratsructure in this country and its economic centres makes one breathless only to be furthered by the markets which can be best named as bargain centres.

The variety of goods which are named after the best known brands in the world sold at dirt cheap prices make China a shoppers haven - especially if you know the local language and can percolate your way through the shopkeeper's defences.

The trick is to learn the local language - Mandarin - as quickly as possible - it will indeed pave your way through the shops, restaraunts, malls, and into the hearts of the friendly Chinese common man who is only too shy to venture a sentence in English.

It is indeed hard to believe that a country ruled in communism can function with a smooth capitalist economy - Polls say that a larger number of Chinese citizens believe that their country is going in the right direction as compared to Americans or Indians which are the world's biggest democracies! It is probably because of the fact that the Chinese government can make complex decisions quickly and implement them effectively without having to bother about coalition governments, people strikes or losing elections. These are leaders who have come into power having risen from grassroots through peasant rebellions which have felt the injustice of their imperialist predecessors and therfore have a huge respect for the abilities of an average Chinese common man and direct their economic policies towards uplifting the affected ends of the society.

While many critical hostorians and economists continue to foresee China's economic downfall due to its lack of democracy - I personally see no reason why a system which has worked so well for so long and a system which is backed by the support of its people should fail in the short term or in the long term - Iam a self proclaimed admirer of the country and sure do look forward to its realizing its true potential - which happens to be the reason behind the existence of every individual or every country!