Meditative thoughts

 Why do we think?

Why do we constantly resort to thinking the same thoughts in an infinity loop? Is "chewing the cud" our mind's resting bitch face perhaps? 

I sat in meditation today after a couple days gap and those days are always difficult as thoughts pervade every second and the millisecond in between. I tried to will myself into thoughtlessness and of course that never works beyond a millisecond. And so I gave in, and let the thoughts take over, and hoped my physiology changes with focusing on my breathing would reduce the density of thought streams zigzagging in my mind. 

What is interesting is that on good days, even when I have no cohesive thought in my mind, I have silhouettes of thought streams, almost like a flash of a water print floating across. and then when I use the vagueness of the flash to push me into emptying my mind, it is almost like a different part of my head (not sure where it is, but it seems to approximately originate in the head area, so lets call it the 'silent mind') takes over. But the thought mind and the silent mind part are so seamlessly meshed together, that it is almost impossible for me to separate the two and subscribe to one over the other. Its like there is an involuntary muscle spasm that keeps flitting across the two realms in my head and I have no control over where it lands. And the irony is, just when I have a thought that I have mastered control over that annoying muscle, I know I also have lost control over it, as witnessed by the appearance of that thought in the first place! And the drama continues!

What I have found practical and useful when my mind goes back to chewing the cud, is to push my thought mind into thinking about activities and tasks rather than situations and people. I find that it pushes my personal self, from the center of the drama in my mind to a corner, a doer rather than a dreamer. And when I find it slipping, I push into it again with renewed vigor. Practice definitely helps. It is like any muscle that you train. 

Another way of pushing my person to the corner of my mind's drama is by following an aspect of "mindfulness" that has become so popular now in all leadership and centering discussions. It is to let your mind just be, and not be overly concerned about where it goes. Observe without judgement, as a silent (and a little amused) bystander. Impossible as that sounds, it successfully objectifies a thought. When you are not the center of a thought, it is a weightless thought, almost like a feather. You could have a sack load of such feathers and you will find that it does not weigh you down, unlike a single thought with you in the center, where things 'happen to you' almost like you are living a parallel life within your mind. Those thoughts weigh like hammers, and imagine having a sack load of hammers on your back - a sure shot way to weigh you down! 

So the real or practical journey is to move from hammer thoughts to feather thoughts! And by then we would have exercised our will power to an extent where we can start working towards thoughtlessness!

A breath of fresh air...

Sometimes it might be lying right in front of our faces and we may fail to recognize it. When life throws certain episodes at us, our visual range gets selective and most often, cynical and dismissive. In these cases, humungous evidence from the farthest quadrant to our presumptions can sometimes fall short to widen our horizons.

I was given such a chance when I started life as a collegiate for the second time. A weather worn, street smart (as I would like to think) and world wise professional, looking for a break from the cares of corporate life. And unexpectedly, life threw such goodness and innocence at me that I was almost not prepared for it. We get so used to question and suspect ulterior motives when so much obvious goodness hits us on the face. And that’s exactly what I was tempted to do when this girl came into my life. Because at her age, with her qualities, there is no reason for someone to be as unsure, insecure and shy as she turned out to be. It was a misplaced sense of less than par self worth. For someone like her to be able to trust and believe in someone like me with that much tenacity was a boon. A boon that acted as a slow balm to wounds that were age old and that helped me to trust the good in this world and to be naïve again.

Sometimes I think she is Lucifer personified due to her astuteness in gauging the deepest desires of people. I wish for her sake and for mine that life doesn’t trick her out of her goodness and naivete that providence has allowed her to nurture all these years. They say goodness lies in not only being able to identify it in others but also in trusting that goodness to stand the test of time. I hope we are able to find that space in which we can be there for each other through years of evolution and growth!

God Bless!

The Queen of hearts

You have me clutching at straws,
blinded by confusion, totally at a loss,
In frustration and anger, I hold you responsible
for all the things that could have been,
that I could have had.

You have me lusting at meagerly portions,
of even little somethings  that is peanuts to others.
Holding that righteous envy as my sole purpose,
I allege it to be from your misplaced judgement,
Of what I could and could not have.









You have me plundering my own soul,
from self pity and loss of esteem, I grovel
at empty nothings, plummeting into darkness,
I question you to make sense of it all,
of why I couldn't have, that which I could have had.





In wrath,  distress and oblivion, I'm dazed,
by your power over me, your hold over my soul.
What is this power you hold, why does the grip never loosen?
With effort I relinquish control of my heart,
and it runs back to you for solace, your hand for comfort!

What if not perverse and  twisted is this code,
that you ask me for my trust, and then you crush my heart.
What if not warped and wanton is my heart's response,
As it rushes to submit, as if to say,
"This is gut wrenching, but bliss full.  In limbo...but at home !"

Weight of vulnerability

The above are quotes from the widely acclaimed TED talk of Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability.  Armed with her research of over six years, she claims with feeling that to lead a wholesome life, one needs to led down their armor and embrace all aspects of who they are, which would in turn makes it easier for them to be vulnerable to others. Counter intuitive though it seems, vulnerability is the greatest step towards showing courage and being truthful to oneself and to others. This would enable an individual to experience both the  hurt as well as the happiness that comes with being vulnerable.....

I found myself wide eyed and nodding my head along with her as she spoke on. While a lot of what she has to say is indeed inspired and eye opening, there was one aspect that created some  cognitive dissonance within me and I proceeded to do some soul searching myself!
To be vulnerable is to let ourself be seen for who we are without any armor. But we are not born armored. In fact, we are pretty much armor less in the beginning. Our armors are something that we put up after years of friction and struggle.
 Our armors are put up based on our understanding of what works...... and what the world wants.

For someone to be worthy of being privy to the person behind that armor, that someone should also take the effort of tearing down the armor. Piece by piece. And gently too without breaking the heart within the armor.

In fact, this evolutionary process is what gives strength and tenacity to our relationships. It cannot happen overnight and it certainly cannot happen with premature 'vulnerability'. If we are going to be vulnerable with someone who does not value the fact that we are being vulnerable with them, one person's precious vulnerability is just soulless babble to another. Because without a proper foundation in the relationship, the weight of your vulnerability, will fall into a bowl of feathers. And if I don't value my vulnerability enough to place it into the right bowl, can I blame the other person for handing me a bowl of feathers??

That, dear reader, is my question and confusion. What do you think?

Conviction...

A little something that has eluded me from the moment I started seeking it, is this specific trait of Conviction!
Incidentally, all the people I really admire in my life are people with a strong will power and conviction to carry through their thoughts into actions. As they say, traits that you do not possess awaken a heightened sense of admiration as they seem to require more effort or natural ability than they really do.
Lawrence of Arabia, Steve Jobs, my boss, my brother all seem to have this specific trait exponentially higher than what I posses.

My friend and I were discussing the reasons why sometimes providence seems to favor certain personalities who are dis likable to the point of being repellant at times when it comes to communicating their opinions. These people are individuals who are selfish, opinionated ( if you didn't get that already!) and do not have a second thought before drowning out a resistant voice. However, they are the ones who are capable of pushing through all obstacles and challenging opinions to achieve the final goals that might seem elusive and even impossible to most people.
Where does this strength of will power come from?  Could it be fed from some seeds of thought that I have seen in and around me...such as a merciless disregard for others/selfishness, thirst for knowledge, power and ambition, devotion to a higher power, or, today's fashionable answer to all of life's macro issues - love?

However, I think this is one such trait that cannot be explained away with love. Love alone is not enough to have conviction. it needs something , dare I say, more spiritual. It is a quality that enables one to believe themselves to be grander than what they are. Or what others perceive them to be. The ability to believe that their verse in the world's prose could actually make it (an) epic! The belief that while one's time here is limited, one's potential to carve through slabs of space and time never is! It is that which gives one the strength and authority to challenge the rational and embrace the seemingly irrational! An ability to see the end goal as a living breathing form and working towards it with all that you've got! It is that which drives Kevin spacey as he masterminds his way to the white house. Stephen hawking could not have clobbered on if not aided with a fierce conviction in himself and in the existence of 'the theory of everything'.

Interestingly, every larger than life figure that we remember today, that has stood the test of time, are those who have had truckloads of conviction in their cause or in themselves. Mother Teresa's conviction that the world can be changed through love and kindness, Albert Einstein's conviction that he could find the ultimate hidden truth of the universe and Lance Armstrong;s conviction that he had it in  himself to challenge death and pedal his way to the final lap of the tour-de-france. Almost makes me question today's inclination towards a line of inquiry directed largely towards 'love' rather than 'conviction'. It is almost like the universal thought is cushioning towards a more feel good philosophy rather than an empirical one, and this, even as the world endorses critical thinking as a key aspect of modernism! Question that requires deep thought and a lot of 'conviction' (not love) to bring about a change!

The silhouette of love

Your love is like a silhouette, Oh! Blossom.
I felt like I had a hang of things,
but when you smiled and waved, my heart concaved,
and I knew it was the best of beginnings!

Those days were like the warm hue of sunrise.
I felt your caresses like a pillow of feathers,
So much carefree solace in your loving embrace,
and your streaks of love, my most precious treasures.

But, now its like the dusky fog of a winter sunset.
your smiles and words have become lesser each day
I cannot feel you close, but then again I suppose,
Its not the blossom's fault that the dew drop fades away...

Now, its like the last rays of darkness holding on into Sunrise.
I want to see the light, feel your benign kiss on my forehead,
A dew drop can complain, its attempts to hold on but in vain,
Will the dawn not make a way for it to fall on the blossom again?

Khashaf......a recent inspiration!

I don't really remember how I chanced upon "Zindagi Gulzar Hai", a Pakistani drama that has completely stolen my heart and captured my imagination, of all that's inspiring and admirable.
When I grazed through the first few episodes to get the feel of the series, what I surely was not expecting, was to be hit with a character that would steal my awe and run away with it!

Khashaf is a character that is every girl's dream destination. Confident. Unapologetic. Inexpressive. Intelligent. Unintentionally funny. Rebellious. Giving. Affectionate. And very very real.

She is certainly not the person to go to if you need false indulgence. But if you want an honest opinion about something and are brave enough to take the truth, she would happily indulge you. She will put you in your place with a smile that basically shows her intelligent insight into what she knows you will feel when she hits you with it. She has no facade. She understands the world and its twirks and is in no humor to humor anyone for it. For someone who lives life in her own terms, she surprises when it comes to her patience in her commitments, and she is ready to compromise to keep up her end of the bargain. She has self pity, embarrassment, tears, anger, jealousy and all other negative emotions as well, but in moderation. She is human, but believably so. Not dramatic, but mysterious. And most importantly, she is never apologetic about who she is. She is more of a challenge to men who think they can handle feminism. For her feminism is not even an issue. Life is. and as she tries to make her mark in life, her individuality and her intelligence win her the trophy for feminism before she even begins to fight that battle.

More than half of the series moves with the male lead constantly trying to figure her out but failing abysmally. Which leads one to understand that the part of her that she shares with the world is not even a fourth of all that she  is. This ironically, leads people to believe her to be  much more than she could ever be. In a different way, she gains respect without ever asking for it, as she keeps people in awe of her seen and unseen self.

While she faces various troubles, she puts forth one face constantly - that of dignity, with a touch of elegance.  She is like that rare flower in a deserted garden. You never expect to find it, and once you do, its hard to get over it!

Leaving to the next chapter...

Anne of Green gables called those big changes in life as the "Bend in the road"...the ones that you couldn't quite see but will be quite upon you when you make the turn! Well, I'am at one such bend right now....I have not yet come upon the bend so I don't know what bend has in store for me. Its a waiting game and I am rapidly losing patience! Oh would you come already!

There's a song that goes,

Don't wanna be here,
somewhere I'd rather be.
But when I get there,
I might find its not for me!

I'am SURE the writer has gone through the agony and anxiety of waiting for the bend in the road! There is no way he could have just captured the feeling in my thoughts and put it in verse like that without having felt something similar!

The viscious circle of wanting to DO something, but backing out, because we're not sure if its the right thing to do, and then wistfully staring at the bend in the road, is an innovative form of torture that nature has designed in its sinister moments!

For she knows not, another love so true!

Eyes sparkling with hope,
the feel of a new grasp in her hands,
Shy and coy, with dreams around the globe...
she feels her finger in a wedding band!
Oh joy! She closes her eyes and thinks of You,
For she knows not, another love so true!

With tears of pride,
hands shivering with delight,
she tried to lift him... well atleast she tried,
it is a blissful sight - a mother and her life's light!
In glee! She closes her eyes and thinks of You,
For she knows not, another love so true!

She gently looks at the new bride,
waves of memories...she chokes and chuckles,
her blood, her own, well, they say its time and tide,
from toddler to bride... its hard to hide her pride!
Moved, she closes her eyes and thinks of You,
For she knows not, another love so true!

She's a vision said some, a beauty in ivory!
But now, as the sands of time flow down,
she looks in the mirror, an ancient reflection of her glory!
but enveloped by love, a Queen sans crown,
For the last time, she closes her eyes and thinks of You,
For she knows not, another love so true!

My Fear...

It was different that time. He was teaching me to swim!
When my dad picked me by my neck,
and pushed me into the water.
I struggled for breath and ran to the deck,
forgetting I was his daughter.
I could feel it rise in my throat, but later it faded dim...

It was different that time. The first time I moved out of my house!
As I packed all my things,
and touched them one by one as my last.
Unaware of what tomorrow brings,
I closed a small window and called it my 'past'.
I could feel it wring inside my stomach, it sounded of all my promises and vows!

It was different that time. When my best friend got engaged!
As I smiled and danced with her,
laughed to merge my feelings into her joys.
while I asked providence to share
if my tomorrows strung harmony or just some noise...
I could feel it clutch at my heart, and I struggled to keep my facade!

It is very different now....When I tear after my dreams!
Some say I'am brave, but they're really saying I'am stupid,
and it gets scary when some part of me believes.
I push myself to be intrepid,
Until some true friend balms the wound and relieves.
I can feel it in all my being, while the horizon looks up and beams!

The comic relief in my "Groom Search" adventures! - Part I

"A single woman in possession of a sane mind, MUST be in want of a husband....and that too immediately!
Age, sanity, outlook on life and food - Be Damned No bar!"
 ....Jane Austen may turn over in her grave if she comes upon this molestation of her opening satire but (Sorry Ms Austen, I do love you), but I think this is the doctrine based on which the Indian Arranged Marriage market operates.

Hey, I'am not complaining. While some find the entire nerve cracking exercise of groom hunting in an arranged marriage hoopla extremely frustrating and tiresome, especially if it lasts for 6 years and running as in my case, I think the process has its perks. And the perks are only to those who dare to enjoy it! Let me tell you why...
First, here's the overall process of groom hunting in an arranged marriage for those who are not introduced to the concept.
- Girl at home reaches 21 years of age OR Girl at home develops b&&bs - whichever is earlier.
- Ask around friends and family for eligible groom suggestions...
- A decent profile pic of the girl to upload on one of the many matrimonial sites that do booming business in India .( Honestly, I'am considering joining one of them as an employee, they must make a S%^t load of money because - Forget the British empire - Its on the Indian Marriage Market that the Sun NEVER sets, ! And India goes one above -  It is probably the only country in the world which sells Matrimony as a "service". I mean, I knew we were a Services oriented economy, but THIS really is the icing on the cake! Now, does that take romance to an all time high, or what!)

- Next Step - Input groom Hunt co-ordinates in the matrimonial website....and......ENGAGE! (That's for those who have seen Star trek, if you haven't,  read 'ENGAGE' as the 'GO' in "Ready, Set and GO".

Now here's where the fun starts! The online profiles of the guys are like a conservative, Non PG-13 version of the profiles you will find in any online dating websites. There are all kinds of profiles ranging from wierd, to essay type, to "ehhh what!!?" kinds.   Here are some examples -

I am god fearing, interested in movies and hail from an upper middle class family

Well, God fearing and movies totally go together!! And then he says he has money for god and movies, which must seal the deal!!

HI I AM DOING BUSINESS LOGO DESIGNER 
I AM LOOKING GOOD AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY 
I LIKE TO LISTEN MUSICS AND LIKE TO PHOTO SHOOT

Looking good indeed!!!I really have no comments on this one!!!!

Looking for a life partner to spend rest of our lives together

Well, thanks for explaining what "life Partner" really means! The heading says "Personal Profile" Dude!!! Not "Dictionary for the Retarded"! Phew!

Well there are hundreds like these, and I have rolled with laughter at some of them. Some of them have made me wanna punch the guy and some made me wanna throw up! But all of them are guaranteed to entertain!

Anyway, the next step is for the guy's family to send their "Interest" to your profile. if the girl's family also returns the "Interest", horoscopes are exchanged! The all pervading Indian Horoscope Gurus make truckloads of money by pronouncing at their whim whether the boy and girl will make a good match or not! And my family's astrologer is on a crusade to make my groom hunt an impossibility. He promptly rejects 99 out of 100 horoscopes that we send him. And he has a mean streak about him too - any good looking guy he will be SURE to reject!!! And the one guy he will select will either be insane, or a weirdo!! 

One of the guys whose horoscope miraculously matched with mine (Hmm, I should have known something was wrong right then!) sent me a message that we could have a chance to know each other in a Skype call the next day as we were both in different countries!  When I logged in the next day, the screen opened to reveal him, sitting with his mom and dad in what looked like his living room! As if that were not enough, his mother immediately began drilling me with questions about my  goals in life (If I had figured that out, why would I be talking to her???) !!  When the guy tried to bravely put forth a point, his mother looked on with immense pride at her son's ability to get real words out of his mouth!! I had a flash of our own beloved Sonia and Rahul  - the resemblance was striking!! and at that  moment, I knew I wanted no part in this family!!

TO BE CONTINUED....

The mystery of the silence

"What the *&^&^%!!! Why cant she say something back!!!" Used to be my reaction when I would watch those tension ridden scenes in Bollywood or Tamil movies where the Hero or the Mom In Law would say something super rude and the heroine would just stare back without a retort. And I would be seething inside! Totally relating myself to the crying Heroine, I would rant and storm about the villanous antagonists who were setting themselves against the leading lady. But I NEVER did understand why the leading lady wouldn't retort with something clever and equally evil! I would be creating my own scripts for the lady (of the hour), and imagining her seeking her verbal revenge on her torturers!
What mystified me even more was why many leading ladies wouldnt speak out even when they had something to say in their defense....something which would prove their innocence in a situation where they were being victimized for something that was not their fault at all. Being a pretty vocal person myself, I could never understand the reason for taking blame, criticization, etc when I didnt have to or when it didnt apply to me.

But off late, I have been seeing a slight change in my own attitudes and behavior. Surprisingly, I found myself in 2 to 3 situations where I was in a position where I had to be silent even when I knew that I could extract myself out of a situation with a few well placed words.I couldnt even express my own deeply felt emotions and feelings and was stuck with them in my throat and staring at my "antagonist" of the hour!!! Noooooooooooo!!! I do NOT want to be THAT lady. I mean, come on! I have spent hours creating clever responses to difficult situations and when the situation presented itself in a silver platter, I was struck dumb!!
For the past 25 years, I have never had a problem expressing exactly what I felt in words. It's one of my gifts. It is one of the similarities I have with a long standing friend of mine. But off late, I found some instances when I couldn't even tell HER some things that were foremost in my mind!!! Wow!! Times do change and so do people!! I never thought I would see the light of the day when I couldn't spout out my mind and share my thoughts exactly as I thought them. Is this part of growing up? is this some emotional growth or (on second thoughts) emotional stunted growth that happens eventually to all people? I don't know. But you know what - it actually feels good to not lay all your peanuts on the plate!! Like your own little personal pearl of thought that you don't have to share, for it may not be perceived the same way and in being perceived differently, may lose some of its eloquence that was present in the thought originally....or just because you don't want to share it....because you don't know how! Iam unable to put my finger on it.....on the feeling that drives this behavior....do you know something about?

Isnt Money a beautiful thing??!!

I know the title sounds like an exclamation of Joy from a materialist...But this was the thought that I had when I saw the below picture on the walls of a War Memorial built into a historic Prison site in Seoul, South Korea.

In the War memorial, I got to see various kinds of torture chambers that the Japanese had used on the Koreans, during their invasion of Korea and the Korean fight back for freedom, from 1910 to 1945. I even got to see a moving testimony from some of the men and women who had survived the war and lived to tell the tale, of how heartless the imperialists were. Some of them in the video had no hands, no legs or no nails, as they were cut off by the Japanese torturers, but they somehow had a heart strong enough to fight through all the hurdles and bring freedom to their country!

Intrigued, I started a conversation with the War memorial-museum Manager who was a seeming lady of around 40, and she said with barely suppressed emotion, that "All we are expecting, is a 'Sorry' and an acceptance of the troubles and tortures that the Koreans have faced by the Japanese.If not for the innovatively designed torture chambers reserved for the Korean freedom fighters, we deserve an an apology at least to the 'Comfort women' who were exploited in ways unimaginable by the Japanese military...But even a simple apology is not something that the Japanese are ready to give."

I came back home to Shanghai and narrated this incident to some of my friends, and their response was an angry eruption, but a totally expected one. "They will never say Sorry. Why should they? Unless they are pushed into a corner, they will not. Its all about the power game and about who plays their pawns at the right time to get the right result! Right now, Japan is in a position of power and will not bow down, but maybe sometime in the future...." and they wistfully looked with glazed eyes, into a future, where I imagine a Japanese official is on his knees offering them a lengthy apology!

One of the more pragmatic ones however said, " But today, we need them. Our country is not yet so self sufficient, that we can afford to spoil our relations with Japan." How true!  From electronics, to heavy machinery, when it comes to quality products, the Chinese localites prefer Japanese products and so do the Koreans. When we look at the trade charts of China and Korea, Japan is high up on the %age of trade that the countries carry on with each other.

On one hand. we have the foreign ministries of Korea, China and Japan trying to solve various bloody land disputes even today,which positively laughs at the idea of the countries having any other meaningful relationship, and yet, incredibly, on the other hand, we have the economic ministers drafting new and improved trade policies to enhance trade between the countries. Well yes, the countries are still struggling hard to find their peace with the bloody past that they share. But the beautiful master plan of providence has balanced the resources of the countries in such a way that, both China and Korea, because of necessity, require to maintain an intensive trade relationship with Japan and vice versa. Maybe this is Nature's way of forcing them to make peace with the past, by making them deal with each other through an unemotional monetary relationship that contributes to their countries' growth and their people's happiness, and thus could be an indirect balm on the wounds of past! If Money can actually bring countries together, can make them forget a horrific and bloody past and shake hands in the hope of a better tomorrow, isn't it a beautiful thing?

Dealing with stuff....

When you have a huge generation gap between ur siblings, you'll know what I mean. WHen they do grow up, you have a second round of adolescence - a second chance to do all the stupid things that you did before or werent bold enough to do!

Now some will take it and let them have their adolescence instead of being the elder sibling telling them what to do and what not to do.....but some will do just that! Now u cant say either way is wrong, one is done with a desire to let them live their life and another is done with a genuine concern...

Is there an optimum approach? I dont know,and I sure dont wanna know....Lets just do our thing right...why does it always have to be the right thing?....sometimes it could just be "my" thing! ...

Change...again!

I always have mixed thoughts about change...any kind of change for that matter...
I still remember when I touched and felt every fiber of my old home in Bangalore 10 years ago, before i had to move to a hostel...for the very first time in my life. I was excited till the day before. But when the time came to leave, I had no idea why the hell I was going through this seemingly ultra stupid adventure! I mean....who was I kidding? I was totally gonna miss my Mom's food and my brother's banging my head with a bat and my Father's heavenly voice waltzing through the living room. But then, that didn't change the fact that I ended up in a totally new place with new faces the next day.

Not that this has anything to do with anything - 

I just really liked it!

When I moved from India to China, the last few days in India, every day saw visitors streaming into my house saying "good bye"! Every time I heard new footsteps at home, I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life by moving to Shanghai - I mean, for heaven's sake, they eat snakes there! How can it be possibly be a good place? But that didn't stop me from catching my final view of India from the flight and marveling at the jewelled beauty that my country was,before beginning to pray that Shanghai didn't turn out to be the gargantuan devilish destination I had convinced myself that it would be.....
So the common thread in each of these "change" related situations is that no matter how bad I felt about it, I DID it.It didn't have the power to stop me on my tracks and turn back. It just made me cherish my previous memories with a vengeance!
Now, in the same strain, Iam moving houses in Shanghai....and I am feeling really really wistful....If only..

Its the usual question - WHY? God! Why??

My 2 roomies (a German guy and a German girl ) are really awesome. Really. They know when to talk and when to give u space. They don't care about a dirty kitchen and ALWAYS LOVE my cooking....they are constantly surprised by how awesome Indian food is, and fill up the larder with fruits whenever it gets close to empty. And they dont mind being a little late to office to accommodate my errant bathroom schedules...And best of all, we all LOVE the same TV Series so weekends are sometimes a lazy haze with beer, bagels, cream cheese and a sitcom of choice....(the current 'house fav' is Boardwalk Empire....I am not in awe of it, but they both love it,and I don't have the heart to tell them that its not all that awesome:-))...and now, after all that, this weekend we part. Its not like we will never meet each other. we have the same social circles so we will still bump into each other...but it just wont be the same....
I can only hope my new home is a 'homey' as this one....Miss u Isabelle and Rapheal....thanks for making this house a home for me!

They Did all this and more!!!

Dads Girl

I was blog hopping....something I have taken to lately...and I found this
http://www.usmc81.com/2011/12/rules-dating-marines-daughter/

While it was hilarious, I wistfully wish that my country had a similiar cultural structure where the guy-date of the day wears a tux and nervously waits at the door to pick up his girl-date for the day.

As he does so, he is subjected to the merciless inspection of the girl's parents (read above link to know how nerve wracking it can get). This is a cliched scene from every hollywood rom-com, but Iam sure it would be something if it happened to oneself - whether a boy or a girl...what say?!!

Of course, you can have the Indian version, where the boy can come cycling around the house of his sweetheart, trying to catch a glimpse of that beloved face, exchange a look, a smile and that would be his date of the day!! And if the father perchance happened to see this exchange, of course, all hell would break lose!!! There is no question of the boy saying "I will surely bring back your girl before midnight!!"!!!! I can only imagine an Indian father's reaction if any guy said that to the father and requested to take her out for the night!!

Of course times have changed and the Indian Dads have become more relaxed! The next gen girls probably have a chance of experiencing the scenario stated above....But I do wish, that that girl could have been me......maybe my daughter, if I have one, would see that day, and I would pat her head with a mysteriuous smile that she curiously tries to decipher.....well, YOU would know what that smile was about wouldn't you :-)!!

At Cross Roads...

Should I or shouldnt I?

My head's gonna explode trying to answer this question...A thought just streaks across my mind that we are fried and tossed most times not with the complex questions but with the simplest of em! Some example are  - "Why me, God!? Why me?!", "What am I DOING?", How did I get here?, What am I going to do now? and blah blah blah..if you get my drift.....

Well...who said having 9 lives was an advantage?!!

But I digress....fortunately, at this point, Iam only concerned with ONE of these seemingly easy puzzlers. I think, for those of us who take life as it comes to us, the worst thing that can happen to us is to have to make a CHOICE! Ughhh! Hell, I have trouble trying to choose between 2 pairs of shoes with same color and pattern but just different Heel lengths! (to myself - "Hmmm, maybe the higher heel looks sexier, but the shorter one sure is  more comfortable....should I be sexy (Not that I can, even if I try, ....but then, a girl can hope!)  or comfortable?"). Now thats a lifestyle choice....and THATS gonna take a much longer time.....so basically, as the smaller choices are imperatively linked to some bigger choices, I end up dreading the whole experience of making a choice in its totality!
Now, given that (PSYCHO)logical background, you can imagine my Horror of having to make a choice, now, when I have reached a cross roads in Life! 


Getting to the point....
Now here's a precurser to those who are not familiar with the (ancient) Indian way of doing things. In the west, before you hear any wedding bells or the "Dam Dam da dam", the fates would have to carefully and strategically arrange the schedules of 2 totally random people to clash and meet and fall in love! Now thats some serious work for the mother of destiny, mind you. On the other hand, Indians dont believe in giving anyone too much work. If you have the inclination, getting married in India is relatively simple. Just match your birth stars with those of a prospective partner. if they match - Boom! You have a wedding date! ( I have a HUGE grudge against the damn stars for precluding so many nice young men from making it into my prospective partner list!).
but then, yes, you must have caught the glitch by now....the issue is that the girl has to make a CHOICE between prospective partners!! Now if I cant choose between heels, How the &^%%$* am I gonna choose a life partner??!  You know, they are all nice, (well not All, but Iam  not about to abuse them all on social media, Am I?)....One has an awesome education, another looks great, another can sing like a bird, another lives in an exotic European country....well, you get the drift....
And the worst part is that most of them have unbelievably short deadlines! Today you see the guy's pic and tomorrow, you gotta write down your vows! COME ON!
Phew! All I can do is send a silent prayer to my god (Most Indian gods are couples as well, but conviniently most of them married for Love! Wonder where the arranged marriage concept came from then....anyway, coming back to the point) to miraculously make my mind when the time and the "right guy" comes along.....after all....the stars can only take up so much blame right?!!

What's with China's clock?!!

Iam a princess and Iam floating on a magic carpet to receive my Nobel prize for peace…No No No… you are mistaken…. Iam not Princess Diana, or Mother Teresa for that matter - this scene is just an out of the world dream in the wee morning hours of Monday, as the human body labors under the misconception that the weekend lethargy and laziness can seep stealthily onto Monday as well.

Aaaaaaaaaah!! Wish dreams came true!!!!

And then piercing the silence comes a well loved desi tone – My name is Sheila, Sheila Ki Jawani….

&%$$*!!!That’s my alarm!!! I can’t BELIEVE it’s already gone off! I chose this particular song because whenever this song is in the background, my legs start dancing all of their own accord! And I masterfully conceived that I would be able to break my slumber if I was caught with a desire to do a two step or a salsa (not that Iam adept at neither)….. But well - So much for my masterful conceptions! At this rate - Like Leslie Winkle says on the TBBT – I might just be nominated in the year’s Nobel laurete category for Dumb assery ...Ummm...lesser intelligence! (TBBT – a well loved sitcom called “The Big Bang Theory” – one of my favorites, next in line to F.R.I.E.N.D.S of course!)



They never are effective my dear!!

Anyways, I finally pinched and poked myself awake and rushed to get ready because, in China, - work starts - at 9:00am. And when you read the previous sentence, I want you to imagine something unchangeable like destiny, or the earth revolving , or the fact that my neighbour’s son can NEVER pass his medical exam (Trust me, rumor has it that it’s his 6th attempt)…because when they say its 9:00am - 9:00am it is! If you have the balls guts, try entering at 9:01 am and brave the “How lazy are YOU?” stares that your disdainful colleagues will inevitably give you! Well, some days, I really don’t care – and I stare back at them with my “Ha! Iam lazy and proud of it!” look, but then mostly, I cower under their glare and run to the sanctuary of my seat, where I immediately open my laptop and start tapping away at my keyboard furiously to deflect attention from my BEETRED face! I seriously should think of taking a video of their stares and adding that to my alarm settings…maybe that would jerk me awake!

Oh yeah- Something like this but REDDERRRR!



And it’s not just the entry time, it applies for everything. I am a part of the lunch gang and we go out every day at 12:00noon for lunch, irrespective of whether the laptop’s on fire, or whether a member of our gang is delivering a baby (and that actually happened! – we went to visit the mom but wouldn’t stay beyond 11:45 am!!!). I think, if you look at the larger picture, it kinda makes scientific sense - it permeates one’s cerebral tissues and leads to a comfortable consciousness that one’s life is a continuum where the clock ticks away uniformly through eventual decline and decay, so the intelligent Chinese made an ally of time instead of taking it for granted and I don’t grudge them this achievement!

The only disadvantage that I see in this whole scheme of things is that on weekends, Iam rather bewildered because my body clock (to which I have been listening to sincerely through the week) goes CRAZY! When I jerk myself awake at around 12:00 noon on Saturday, it’s not because of the alarm but because of the volcano erupting within my stomach – trust me , it growls so! I then quickly think of a place to eat and rush out of my apartment, desperate to be within view of some edible food (which explains why I cant cook because then it wouldnt be edible), and hail a taxi! And HERE comes the REAL test of patience….to tell the guy where you wanna go! Below is a faithfull narrative of what happened on one of my “Lunch escapades”

Me - (running across the road to be on the right side to hail the taxi and hence out of breath)(Puffing and panting and frantically waving my hands), “Taxxxxxiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”!!!!

Taxi Driver (Bewildered) : “Chou shang chin mou than ching choo!!!”

Me - (Equally bewildered) “Chinese Puhwai ( I don’t know Chinese) . I have to go to ‘Daning street’ ” (Said in Clear and crisp tones)

Taxi Driver - (Completely befuddled)“ Daning? Shama – daning chiga moui chou shang shun ma thee oolu:” (Indicating he dosent have a clue what Iam saying)
Me – (accompanied with the background music of my grumbling stomach) “ D A N I N G, D-A-N-I-N-G, DANING street” (said 1st- clearly and slowly, 2nd -clearly and fast, and 3rd - clearly in medium speed with nasal effect respectively)

Taxi Driver - (Looking warily towards the direction of my stomach from where all the growling is originating from) “ DANING? Shama? " (starts shaking his head indicating he dosent know what Iam talking about)

Me - (in total desperation as my stomach threatens to erupt with all the pent up fury) " DANING DANING DANING street ma - !!!! Don’t you Understand??"

Taxi Driver - (face sparkles like he has discovered the 119th element ) “Oooooooooh DANING ma? Ok Ok” (indicates that I could board the taxi)

Me - (with a murderous look..Aaaaaah - if only looks could kill!) “ Yeah! And what the %^& did you think I was trying to tell you all this time? “

Taxi Driver : (Jovially slapping his hands and laughing, like at some rib tickler) “ DANING ma – chiga chous mang sthing so luu” !!!!!!! (and shakes my hands)!!!!

Well… what can I say – except that they do NOT accept a word into their comprehension unless they have the satisfaction of decoding it from whatever latin/greek they think you are speaking! And Trust me - what I said was in NO WAY different to what he said! Not in accent, not in nasal effects and not in rate of speech!!! You can imagine the fervor and speed with which I inhaled the food (Spicy noodles with stewed vegetables Thai style) when I eventually reached the hotel after this adventure! 
Stay Tuned - More adventures coming right up:-)...

Courage to achieve happiness - An Egoists privilege?

I think it was somwehere between the ages of 13 and 20 that I was given to understand, categorically, by anyone whose opinion I cared to respect, that "Ego" is certainly not one of the virtues of human kind. That being selfless, and crushing one's ego such that it merges with the universal will should actually be the spiritual aim of one's life.

And then, I read "Fountain head" by Ayn Rand. !!

The story of the exalted nature of man's self in all expressions ranging from self respect, self esteem, self worth, self contempt and personal dignity jolted me out of any conventional values that I have upheld for the last 2 decades!

"As a matter of fact, the person who loves everybody and feels at home everywhere is the true hater of mankind. He expects nothing of men, so no form of depravity can outrage him"

Such an outburst of refreshing philosohphy at a time too when the world's most well known men are judged by their "uselfullness" to the society measured by their charitable contributions and alrtuistic motives! This complete worship given to the individual man and to his ability to contribute something of his own taste to the world, not as a work of charity, not as a sign of selflessness, but as a work of self expression, as an expression of the drive within him because of which he finds it unable to resist his own creative thirst, as a tribute to the best within himself, and as a token of respect to his own self worth, makes me feel so liberated, because I KNOW now, that to be able to do what you really want to do, takes the greatest amount of courage and unless you think yourself worthy of nothing but the highest happiness, you might not have the courage to give yourself that happiness.

The book certainly requires a level of maturity to be able to grasp the essentials and ignore the extremist notions as literary license. It lays bare a series of controversial ideas boldly, without an apology, without inhibitions or hesitation, much like Vidya Balan's performance in "The Dirty Picture".

I can only imagine the supreme self worth that one should possess to charter one's life's journey to the ultimate goal - "The truth". Albert Eintein, Isaac Newton,William Wordsworth and even Steven Speilberg made it their life's business to embrace that very elusive "Truth" through an expression of their creativity or scientific prowess! None of them started out to serve their fellow men, but one cannot refute that their contributions to the society are amongst the most humungous!  And I cannot help but remember Aamir Khan's dialogue in 3 idiots where he says " Dont go behind success, go behind excellence and then success will fight to follow you!!!"

I questioned myself on the theory that being an egoist automatically translates into arrogance and a lack of consideration for others. But then look at it this way....an egoist is also one who considers himself so above comparison with his fellow beings, that he is spared the lesser emotions of jealousy, hatred and envy. He is some one who is the symbol of nothing else save himself. He is the one who, at the end of his life, would be comfortable with the consciousness that he would not have the protective cloak of "concern / consideration for others", to explain away the wrong decisions of his life. He answers to none but himself and since he owes himself nothing but the highest truth, is beyond the necessity to lie, cheat and decieve himself for any of his ends. And neither would he stoop to conquer!

SUCH an exalted respect for self may be completely devoid of pity or sympathy,emotions which lack of respect in their momentary consciousness.  But it elevates one to feel no emotions which lacks respect for one's fellowmen, as they challenge his ego - through their own creative intelligence! This could be the highest tribute that one man can pay to another! The emotion, the secret force, which is probably the reason behind why the competitors in any meaningfull pursuit, also think of themselves as comrades in arms!

I remember a great speech where the orator stumbled onto a particularly precious line when he said that one hears about "falling" in love all the time! When do you think we will start "rising" in love?

Given below are 2 of my favourite excerpts from the book - and I hope my readers find my need to express these words here justified, as they relate to the import of the dialogues below -

1 - “The egotist is the absolute sense is not the man who sacrifices others. He is the man who stands above the need of using others in any manner. He does not function through them. He is not concerned with them in any primary matter. Not in his aim, not in his motive, not in his thinking, not in his desires, not in the source of his energy. He does not exist for any other man—and he asks no other man to exist for him. This is the only form of brotherhood and mutual respect possible between men."

2 -" No, he thought, I regret nothing. There have been things I missed, but I ask no questions, because I have loved it, such as it has been, even the moments of emptiness, even the unanswered–and that I loved it, *that* is the unanswered in my life. But I loved it.
“If it were true, that old legend about appearing before a supreme judge and naming one’s record, I would offer, with all my pride, not any act I committed, but one thing I have never done on this earth: that I never sought an outside sanction. I would stand and say: I am Gail Wynand, the man who has committed every crime except the foremost one: that of ascribing futility to the wonderful fact of existence and seeking justification beyond myself. This is my pride: that now, thinking of the end, I do not cry like all the men of my age: but what was the use and the meaning? *I* was the use and meaning, I, Gail Wynand. That I lived and that I acted."

I have not read this book - I have felt it and lived it. While there are some irrational and impractical notions that I have endeavoured to neglect owing to the overall brilliance of Ayn Rand's performance, reading the book felt like a gift to myself, and a certain step towards self discovery!

A little bit of this and that!

Now come on!!! Dont tell me you NEVER feel that urge to hurl something at someone and that you are the kind who cruises through life with a smile plastered on your face! That you never feel like buttoxing your BEST friend's nose at times so badly that she just has to get a nose job done! That you never just call someone with an intention to touch a cool casual  nerve and watch with relish and amusement the riot of colors and feelings that come across the line! That you are the kind who dosent in some level dread the day your best friend would get married....coz WHATEVER people may say about their changeless, eternal and evergreen friendships...something sure changes after marriage and I know this first hand so no kidding!

The Blue one is me and the pink one is my friend after her marriage!

I mean, sometimes its just nice to be this mysterious person who glides along with an immaculate self control and always knows how to make an entrance in a gathering that make heads turn! The kind who knows that she wants a lake view room in the 72nd floor of the hotel and pre-books it months in advance. The kind whose mere glance can mean a thousand things and men are floored with just the prospect of trying to remove the layers of meaning in her words! And some times its kinda liberating to be the one who is clueless about stuff , falls flat on her face and mumbles for words in an opening speech, and just stumbles across success and is suddenly gobsmacked with a happiness you never knew you were capable of feeling!The kind who reads Sophie Kinsella's latest bombshell upto 2:00am in the night and when the alarm dosent go up in the morning wakes up causually at 10:30am when she should actually have been in office attending an important life changing "Call". And then frantically fabricates a story about how her neighbors dog bit her on the way to office and so speechless with pain was she that she was hardly able to string 2 words and convey her inability to attend office on time to a seriously concerned boss. (Of course she makes sure to confirm that the dog bit her in an unpublishable area!! Thats Important).

The kind who just made a meticulous budget plan and then to the incredulous shock of all concerned including herself, ends up purchasing a COMPLETELY unnecessary accessory simply because it looked so temptingly inviting in the racks and she COULDNT bear the thought of leaving it orphaned in the shop!

You could be a person who would just be talking with great vigor and intellectual snobbery the great achievements of Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison, the complexity and psychological insight of an Ayn Rand book, the genius in a Kadri Gopalnath performance, the intricacy in a Tanjore painting and the divinity in a Tagore verse. And Bang! In the same breath, you could be talking about the release of Princess's Diaries III, the latest crush of James Mc Avoy, the reigning gossip on next door Padma aunty and her daughter's futile attempts to study medicine, win a "Tyre Race" with the colony kids gang and fight with the neighbors 7 year old son for eating your share of chocolate cake!

If you dissected my thoughts at some point - it would look like this:-)

The beauty and menaninglessness of some of our actions are impressed upon us only when we also know the most meaningful parts of life is, and somehow this knowledge makes the meaningless things much more meaningful,  giving an individual almost a surreal world to live in, from which she could either be pulled into despair or lifted into ecstasy . I mean, I have so often heard people say, wow - what woman of substance!!! -  when they see a woman with a meaningful career and a serene smile on her face gliding past a crowd. Well - I have nothing against the institution of serenity, believe me, but the basic question is, if you have not been able to experience the depths of despair at some point, how can you appreciate the heights of ecstasy??? Like they say, the passion with which you love a friday evening is directly proportional to the hatred with which you face a Monday! The beauty is that we do not have to choose between these polar opposites because if there is something which excites interest in a character - its variety! If you are alone on a rainy Saturday evening with a Mills and Boon in hand, a documentary on carbon dating on the television and a friend online trying to decide a place to hang out during the evening - well.... - Will you be my friend???